History Repeats....

https://devotedtowriting.forumotion.com/t1124-reflection-and-remorse


I was in no hurry to get back to Quinn's knowing that it could be just as I feared the most. He being disappointed and seeing me for what I truly was. I'd let darkness win, I'd gave into it and I liked it...and I couldn't stop. The power I held, the feeling it gave me which was...none. I had come to like the numb feeling, it helped. Once I got to his house, I was muddy and I still had blood on me. He'd know and smell it right away if he was home...which I hoped he wasn't but I knew luck would have it against me. Stepping inside, I smelled the air and knew he was here. Great, here we go....

He saw her coming home, she was disheveled and her movements were tense. He watched her while she was within his view, but then remained at the windows, staring out. He was still not sure how he would face her. His shattered promise rested heavy in his mind...

He knew...He gave me one look over and turned back to look out the window. I sighed and stepped closer to him. "Do you want to talk or should I just get the rest of my things and go?" I sounded hard...harsh even. It was that empty feeling I was in and I couldn't come out of it. I was sad...but I couldn't feel it or express it. Seemed only rage and anger got through.

"Do you want to talk or should I just get the rest of my things and go?"

She knew...how could she already know? Had she seen it? Was she in Shreveport?He spoke without turning, dreading the accusation he imagined in her eyes...

"We can talk, if you want. I told you before that I would never ask you to leave. That has not changed."

"Quinn, I just..." I shook my head, words failing me. What was I gonna say? I let you down...I disappointed you and broke my promise to remain in control and not let the dark part of me rule me...He wouldn't look at me and it made me angry. I walked closer to him until I was arms reach. "You're not even going to look at me? Am I at least worth that much!?"

"You're not even going to look at me? Am I at least worth that much!?"

He turned to her, facing her with tear filled eyes...

"It is not you who should be judged, Jessica. Our covenant has been broken."

For the first time, he could not look in her eyes.

"So to answer you, yes I will look at you, and you are worth far more than that..."

His eyes once again filled with tears...

"Trust is a hard thing to build, we both know that...and we both know the pain of broken trusts..."

"Trust is a hard thing to build, we both know that...and we both know the pain of broken trusts..."

I got closer to him, taking a deep breath in as I gathered my thoughts. He was right, I had broken his trust. "Quinn, I know I--" A new smell hit my nose...no, I'd smelled it before. It was a vampire..a woman, with the way a hint of perfume mixed with the vampire scent. Suddenly anger filled me. "You sit here talking to me about trust...about broken promises and here you go smelling like another woman. I guess you found someone better." I stepped back and shook my head. All this time I'd felt so...he was no different than the rest. Things got tough so he found a better vampire who could stay in control. Nora maybe...I remember the way they interacted together....or last week, the vampire he ran into and said it was someone he knew long ago. Dimona, I think her name was. Hoyt was right...I wasn't good enough, I'd never be good enough. I narrowed my eyes, feeling so angry and I couldn't control it. I just wanted to feel nothing...I was tired of the pain.

"You sit here talking to me about trust...about broken promises and here you go smelling like another woman. I guess you found someone better."

Her accusation felt like a kick to his gut, and at the same time confused the hell out of him.

"Jessica....you are making no sense...what are you talking about? smelling like...?"

He rolled his eyes, realizing he was still wearing the clothes from last night...

"OK..I see where you are getting that...I can explain...."

I arched a brow and stepped back again, not really wanting an explanation. I'm sure he would smooth talk me into believing he'd done nothing wrong. The voice inside of me deep down continued to tell me how I would never deserve someone to love me for what I was, because I was a monster. Bill could never be proud of me...Hoyt and Jason's words twisting inside of me like a knife. "You can explain...I'm sure you can. What did she just give you a friendly hug?"

"You can explain...I'm sure you can. What did she just give you a friendly hug?"

He laughed at what he took to be sarcasm...

"Actually no...I killed the stupid bitch. Something I have wanted to do for quite a while. She was stupid enough to give the the chance."

There were no more tears flowing, his mind now filled with confusion....

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Killed her, hmm. How interesting." I just watched his eyes, the small smile still on his face. I grinned, sarcastically. "What was all the broken promises? Did you follow me or something?"

"Did you follow me or something?"

"Follow you? Why would I do that? What's happened? I do not understand what you are talking about Jessica..."

He lifted his eyes, trying to read her for the first time tonight. She seemed as confused and frustrated as he was, and that just made things worse...

I sighed and shook my head. "Why do we even bother. We both know I'm no good for you, and you could do way better. Which you probably have." I stepped back and crossed my arms. "I knew you were in Shreveport, so I guess you saw everything. Well, I liked it. A lot actually, and I'd do it again...and again...and again."

His face creased with frustration...

"You are making no sense, Jessica. I told you what I did, and that is why I was in Shreveport..."

He walked over and grabbed the intel report off the desk, tossing it on the table in front of her.

"See for yourself."

I shook my head. "Making no sense? Now I'm crazy?!" I felt the anger roll through me making my fists ball. "So first, I'm a monster...then not good enough...now I'm crazy and make no sense. I think I understand just fine, Quinn. Just..FINE!"

"That makes one of us..I've never said you were a monster...quite the opposite actually...so please...just explain yourself. I have no clue what you are talking about..."

"I killed him, both of them. They deserved every piece of torture I gave them and I'd do it again if I could. I'm sure it'll be on the news...I watched them pull my father's body from the Mississippi earlier." I shrugged with no remorse or feeling. "Then came Mr. Gary...he was less fun but I still enjoyed it. So I guess you're not the only one who killed someone." I laid it all out for him...he didn't understand, well now he did. "And Hoyt remembers everything...and I almost killed him, which really doesn't sound bad right now." I licked my teeth at the thought, anger taking hold of me and not letting go.

He kept quiet as she spoke, taking in everything she was saying.

"So you gave in...I told you how tempting it is...the real challenge is drawing it back inside and controlling it. I already told you that."

He looked at her carefully, noting the blood mixed with the mud on her clothes...

"So you took a few pains from your past and brought an idea of justice to them. I can relate. I would be lying if I said I had not done the same."

"Yeah well, I don't think I want to put it back inside as you say. It feels good...I don't have to feel anything. There were others...I had to take my frustrations out on someone. The frat boys I ran into came in quite handy." I looked up as I said the last line, waiting for him to throw me out, to see that I like the darkness and I may not come back.

"Yes, Jessica...the numbness does feel like a relief...at least at first. I just hope you do not take as long as I did to find the dark trick of it...that hollowness goes away, and then the pain comes..."

He sighed...knowing exactly how she was feeling...

"I guess....I'll take my chances. After all, I have nothing else to lose." I felt like I'd already lost him. I could see it in his eyes, that disappointment, the worry, even a bit of pain. All I did was cause pain. Seeing that pain in his eyes, it was just too much. I grabbed my bag from his closet and threw it down. "I'll be out of your hair shortly, can't be a disappointment any longer."

"You could never be a disappointment, Jessica...you are the one good thing in my life. If you want to go, that is your choice, as it always has been. Know that you are always welcome here..."

He watched her, at a loss for answers...

"Jessica...you are the one good thing in my life."

Those words he spoke made me pause as I stayed crouched with my back to him. The anger I was just feeling seemed to slowly dissipate, I stared into space and said nothing. Putting my head in my hands, the hurt and pain came surging through. The darkness, that void had let me down. I couldn't hate him...I couldn't be angry with him, deep down I knew he'd never hurt me like that. I was just waiting for the shoe to drop. Letting out a heavy sigh, I closed my eyes and stayed in that position, thinking...

Quinn watched as his words took the effect he had hoped for...

"Jessica..."

He stepped close, crouching down behind her...

"...you have to know I would never hurt you like that...you are too precious to me."

He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close, asking nothing in return...

His arms around me broke all walls I had up and I let my body fall back into him. Both of us on the floor as he just held me, the pain hurt but I couldn't cry. The images of my fathers face flashing in my mind. I felt a partial guilt factor for him....but not Gary. He deserved everything; my father deserved it to an extent but I guess because he was my father...it was different. I didn't know what to feel right now, I didn't know what to think. But having him hold me felt like he was keeping me together, so I just let him....saying nothing.