I heard Quinn get back from his trip while I was in the shower. I smiled and secretly wondered if he’d join me but he didn’t. When I walked out wrapped in a bath robe I saw why. He was fast asleep, still in his slacks and dress shirt. I leaned against the door frame and smiled, he looked so…peaceful. Business had been picking up for him lately and we hadn’t seen much of one another since Christmas. I still hadn’t gotten around to giving him his gift; it arrived late in the mail and I’d wait until the right time. The watch looked great on him, but then again what didn’t? I turned and shut the door so I could finish getting ready for the night, it was only midnight and there was a good six hours before the sun would rise.
Once I was dressed in one of his t-shirts that hung a little above my knee, I padded across the floor and saw he was really out of it. I didn’t want to disturb him, he needed his sleep. Unlike me he had a life during the day. I slowly removed his dress shoes so he’d be slightly comfortable. I placed one knee on the bed and waited before adding the second to crawl in next to him. I slowly laid down next to him and watched him sleep. The way his brows furrowed in his sleep made me smile. I hoped he was having good dreams. I rested my head on my hand and my elbow on the pillow as I watched his chest rise and fall in a slow peaceful rhythm. His heart beat had a rhythm of its own. Each rise of his chest two beats would ring my ears and as it would fall another two beats.
Secretly, I wondered if he was giving too much of himself to me. For the longest time it seemed he’d be awake with me until the dawn, then wake early for his daily routine. He was sacrificing so much for me….so much more than I wanted to admit or think about. But it was fresh in my mind…everything that I feared. Everything I couldn’t give him. I’d always just be…this. I couldn’t give him what he deserved, not fully. I didn’t want to think about those things, I just wanted to enjoy watching him sleep. Barely more than a whisper I spoke, “I wish I could give you everything I wanted to. I wish I could spend days with you. I wish I could one day give you a child of your own. I wish that I’d grow old with you, and die with you. But I won’t and I can’t.” There was silence except for his heart beating and the breathing of a peaceful sleep. “I love you so much, more than I could ever explain to you. Good night…” I kissed his cheek softly and stood from the bed to allow him a peaceful slumber. I made my way into the main room by the fireplace and clicked on the t.v. until the time came for me to be….dead.
Once I was dressed in one of his t-shirts that hung a little above my knee, I padded across the floor and saw he was really out of it. I didn’t want to disturb him, he needed his sleep. Unlike me he had a life during the day. I slowly removed his dress shoes so he’d be slightly comfortable. I placed one knee on the bed and waited before adding the second to crawl in next to him. I slowly laid down next to him and watched him sleep. The way his brows furrowed in his sleep made me smile. I hoped he was having good dreams. I rested my head on my hand and my elbow on the pillow as I watched his chest rise and fall in a slow peaceful rhythm. His heart beat had a rhythm of its own. Each rise of his chest two beats would ring my ears and as it would fall another two beats.
Secretly, I wondered if he was giving too much of himself to me. For the longest time it seemed he’d be awake with me until the dawn, then wake early for his daily routine. He was sacrificing so much for me….so much more than I wanted to admit or think about. But it was fresh in my mind…everything that I feared. Everything I couldn’t give him. I’d always just be…this. I couldn’t give him what he deserved, not fully. I didn’t want to think about those things, I just wanted to enjoy watching him sleep. Barely more than a whisper I spoke, “I wish I could give you everything I wanted to. I wish I could spend days with you. I wish I could one day give you a child of your own. I wish that I’d grow old with you, and die with you. But I won’t and I can’t.” There was silence except for his heart beating and the breathing of a peaceful sleep. “I love you so much, more than I could ever explain to you. Good night…” I kissed his cheek softly and stood from the bed to allow him a peaceful slumber. I made my way into the main room by the fireplace and clicked on the t.v. until the time came for me to be….dead.
