Dear who the fuck cares

Pam sat at her desk frustrated. Something that usually gave her happiness and a sense of relaxation now annoyed her. She was reading over the questions submitted to her 'Dear Pam' column and shaking her head. Humans today were just....petty. She wanted to tell them all to take a pencil and shove it in their eye to end their problems, or she might just take her own advice. Pam rubbed her temples and closed her eyes. She was no good at relationship advice, far as she was concerned no one needed them. Monogamy was for pussies and weak minded individuals. And with the amount of questions about affairs and such she rolled her eyes at how humans still seeked monogamous relationships. She took a sip of her warmed blood through the straw and licked her lips. Setting it down and turning back to the screen on her pink laptop she sighed and tried to answer some of these ridiculous questions.

‎*knocking on the door to Pam's office, I hear her call "Who the fuck is it?" I walk through, closing the door behind me "Umm things have slowed down out there, I think people are still a little too scared to come out. If you know what I mean" I noticed that she was not paying any mind to me but instead she was burning holes into her laptop by the glares she was casting "Pam? You alright. What in the hell could be so bad that it makes you look so stress?" I take a seat and cross my legs and wait for her to reply*

She rolled her eyes and closed the screen to her laptop. Looking to Tara and shaking her head. "I used to enjoy giving advice, still do. But these humans, with their relationship questions. It's fucking pathetic. Just reading them makes me want to stake myself." She opened the screen and turned it around to face Tara. "Take Married without Children--She asks. Dear Pam, my husband and I have been married for 10 years now and he still doesn't want children. What could I do to change his mind?" She turned the screen back around. "What I want to say is 'Hey, cuntflake...maybe he doesn't want kids with you. Ever think of that? It's been ten years there must be a reason. Wake the fuck up. Or ask him yourself, why ask me!" She sighed and shook her head, mumbling "back woods trash"

‎*I started laughing because her response is actually what I would probably say. Damn we were a lot alike if you think about it "Well Pam, you know if you tell them what you really think, you will either have a mod busting through the doors for your head on a sticks or turn the human race into a bunch of depressed good for nothings." It was kinda funny that anyone would ask Pam for dating or relationship advice to start with. That would be like asking the Pope if he had any condoms "You should just bullshit your way out of it. Like I do with these dumbfucks that spill their guts to me every night. Tell her that if she wants kids so fucking bad she should leave her husband and find someone new or do like the girls on Jerry Springer, poke holes in the condom and pretend she doesn't know how the fuck she got knocked up" I laugh as I take a swig of my Tru Blood*

Pam smirked at her progeny. Maybe Tara was onto something. "I've never watched...Maury." She sighed and tilted her head. "I've been vampire for far too long, my humanity is zero." A thought came to her mind. "You know, what's mine is SOMETIMES yours so how about you get your own section?" She used her hands to show the headline. "Tara's corner...or some catchy phrase to draw idiots in. I don't know you decide. Here..." She wrote down all the info Tara needed for the relationship section. "Have fun, I can't wait to see how well you do." She was now content to get that off her shoulders. Now all she had to do was answer the other 90% of stupid questions from stupid people. But Pam couldn't get enough of Dear Abby.

‎*I took the paper that Pam handed me and looked over it "Pam, I can't do this shit. What the hell do I know about relationships? I am the last one anybody wants advice from" I lay the paper back on her desk "Shit, the only way I get through all those fucking questions I get out there *I motion towards the door* is by getting them drunk enough that they don't give a damn what I tell them. Thanks but no thanks" I turn to leave the office*

She looked up not smiling. "Well, you have no choice. Look at it like....my punishment to you for the other night. And Don't make me say it." Pam cocked a brow up and challenged Tara with her eyes. She knew what Pam was meaning. "As your...." She looked at Tara, to see if she'd conform. This was a light punishment considering she'd killed the Sheriff of Area 5, but Pam wasn't crying over him.

‎*I stopped her before she could say it "Oh hell naw don't go there" I looked at her and could tell that she was not backing down. Walking back over to the desk, I pick up the paper "Let me have the fucking thing" Shaking my head, I start towards the door "You know Pam, you are liking the whole "As your maker" shit just a little to much" I couldn't help but laugh as I left the office. The crap I get myself into*