Doubt

https://devotedtowriting.forumotion.com/t1539-day-mare#12103

I sank down in the shower and placed my hands on my head, my elbows on my knees and let the water pour over me. The steam rose to the ceiling and I watched the swirl of my red tears mix with the water, slipping into the drain and disappearing. The dream I'd had still resonating in my mind, it all felt so real. I died by Bill's hands, by Quinn's hands...who could I trust. Lilith was a part of Bill now, she controlled him. Quinn at one point had the same belief. What if he believed it too?

I caught the sound of stirring in the next room and turned the water off. My hair and body clean, but I still felt dirty from feeding on whatever his name was. I wiped my face clean of the evidence that I'd been crying and exited the shower. Wrapping the towel around my hair, I towel dried it and brushed it out a bit before putting my silk robe on and slowly walking out the bathroom. I kept my eyes lowered afraid to face him right now.

Quinn watched as she came out of the shower. The scream had worried him but he had waited hoping she would come to him. He stepped close and lifted her chin.

"What is troubling you, princess?"

I flinched slightly at his touch and didn't mean to, shaking my head to clear my thoughts. Rubbing my forehead I inhaled sharply and raised my head to look at him dropping my arms at my sides. "I...just dreams. Bad dreams. Nothing to worry about."

I moved around him and kept my back to him, wrapping my arms around myself as I looked into space. "I...watched the video."

Quinn wrapped his arms around her gently, noticing her flinch.

"I'm sorry, Jessica, but you needed to know the truth. That was the only reason she and I were meeting that day. I am sorry you had to find out like this but I did not want to keep secrets from you again."

He held her close, sitting quietly, and let her process what she had seen.

When I moved to sit on the edge of the bed, he sat next to me and held me to him. I covered my face with my hands and placed my elbows on my legs, thinking. It was silent for what seemed like the longest time, the images on the DVD replaying followed by the memory of my dream. I dropped my hands and looked in front of me, shaking my head to try and clear it all from my head. "He's losing it again isn't he? He's...turning into that...thing again?" I scoffed and shook my head, placing my head back in my hands and closing my eyes.

"I can't get it out of my head....the things he did before. He nearly killed me once, next time..." I looked up and turned my face to look at him. "Next time he may just succeed."

"He's losing it again isn't he? He's...turning into that...thing again? I can't get it out of my head....the things he did before. He nearly killed me once, next time...Next time he may just succeed."

"I do not think we should jump to conclusions, Jessica. Yes he has been a bit odd lately. Yes he has done some things lately I cannot comprehend, but is it our place to judge your Maker?"

He turned her so she was facing him and took her hands in his.

"Jessica, I am by your side for as long as you will have me there, no matter the outcome or reason. I love you and that is all that matters."

I looked into his eyes and then at his hands holding mine. It was nice to have his touch again, his reassurance. Smiling softly at the three words I never tired of hearing come from his lips, I looked down and tried to clear my mind of it all.

"I don't want to judge but it's hard when the evidence all points to the worst." I sighed and shook my head, not really wanting to think about Bill turning into a...demon? God? Psycho? It didn't matter. My eyes came up to meet his and I immediately felt the guilt about the donor, but tried to push it from my mind.

"How are you feeling?"

"if you will excuse the term...a bit drained. Otherwise fairly good. I am always thirsty and the headaches are still there, but with your strength to help me, I'll make it."

He watched the guilt flash in her eyes and wondered at the source.

"Is there something else, Jessica?"

I stood and walked over to the mini fridge that held blood and water bottles, grabbing him two I walked back over and handed them to him with a smile. "They're cold this time." I stood in front of him and then looked down at my hands as I wrung my hands in thought. Should I really tell him that a donor made a move on me? Should I really tell him I dreamed he killed me? That I couldn't stop thinking of his hands on Kiara. I shook my head and looked back up at him with a forced smile.

"No...I mean it's nothing...nothing that we can't talk about later. When you're better. Right now we need to get you better. Are you hungry? I can go get something for you at Merlotte's."

. Are you hungry? I can go get something for you at Merlotte's."

Quinn drank down the bottles of water, tossing the bottles in the garbage...he could smell her blood...so delicious....so close...with a hunger he knew he needed to suppress, he answered her. Her closeness was making his mind go to some very improper places...fun...but improper...

"Yes I am a bit hungry, though not for anything at Merlotte's..."

He smiled suggestively at her.

I felt my stomach tighten at his words and looked away from him. Truth be told, I was still hesitant. It was only a few days ago he...almost...cheated fully and the pain was still somewhat there. I cleared my throat nervously and avoided his gaze, knowing full well the minute I saw the fire in his eyes mine would match. But there was this uncertainty that held me back.

"But you're...well I mean..." I suddenly felt the same way I used to when he would look at me like that, when we were friends. I never realized I was backing up until my back hit the wall and I looked up nervously at him. "Recovering..."

He watched her back up to the wall as if he were a stranger making the suggestion, tears welling up in his eyes as he watched her.

"But you're...well I mean...recovering..."

His eyes dropped, as did his head. He had lost her, perhaps not in her heart but in other ways he had.

"Perhaps you are right....forget I mentioned it."

He turned from facing her, not wanting to show weakness once again, especially now.

I felt the pain my words had inflicted and winced inwardly. Great going. I bit my bottom lip and closed my eyes. "My donor...he...I remembered him from Fangtasia." I looked down at my hands as I fiddled with my nails. "I fed on him when I promised Hoyt I'd never feed on anyone else. He thought...I guess he assumed...." I let my words trail off, remembering the feeling I had when he kissed me. I didn't want to, but I wanted to ease the pain I still felt deep down. "I made him leave."

I slowly slid down the wall and pulled my knees to my chest. "My dreams are tormenting me...I don't know what to think about anything anymore. I'm so confused, so..." I shook my head trying to get the words to come out but again they failed me. I wanted nothing more than to be wrapped in his arms under the sheets but I still couldn't let Kiara's words go.

"were you jealous though? To know that even when you hold his heart...you will never ignite his passion like me?"

Quinn looked toward the door, not wanting to let her see the pain he was feeling, the physical or emotional. She was dealing with her own demons, no need to add his own...he spoke quietly and without emotion...

"It was just a donor, Jessica. Nothing more or less. I'm sure you've fed on the same person more than once before..."

I looked up and saw his back still to me. Slowly, I stood and walked over to stand in front of him, his face turned away from me. I hesitated for a moment before speaking. "He wanted more...than me to feed on him. I...well I didn't...but...I thought I mean I...Quinn what's happening to us? I'm having dreams of Bill killing me, but in the end I die at your own hand. I can't stop thinking about...about how..." I couldn't say it. In the end I just couldn't say it out loud.

"He wanted more...than me to feed on him. I...well I didn't...but...I thought I mean I...Quinn what's happening to us? I'm having dreams of Bill killing me, but in the end I die at your own hand. I can't stop thinking about...about how..."

Quinn sighed, realizing part of the issue...

"Jessica...feeding is a sexual act, piercing of the body and drinking is a very erotic experience for both involved. Didn't you wonder why so many vampires have sex with their donors? I am actually surprised that you do not. I would not judge you for it. I almost expect it. You are a vampire."

He paused, still not looking up. What he was saying was ripping into him even as he spoke, but she needed to hear this...

"You know I have been around vampires a lot, it has perhaps evolved my perspective a bit..."

My eyes widened at his words, part of me felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I didn't understand, at all. "You...want me...to sleep with my donors? I..I really don't understand. Are we...are we over?" I backed up and tried to process his words, tried to make sense of what he was saying to me.

Quinn watched her recoil from him as he fought the tears. If only she knew how much this was costing him.

"You...want me...to sleep with my donors? I..I really don't understand. Are we...are we over?"

He spoke slowly, his voice flat.

"I did not say that, only that it was common and I would not hold something like that against you. As for us...I hope not. I am willing to fight for us. My addiction is part of the problem. Until I am stronger, I do not know how much good I am to you..."

I lowered my head and fought my own tears seeing the pain it caused him to say what he said. All I'd ever gotten was judged for feeding on humans, especially by Jason and Hoyt...Quinn accepted it. But I could see the pain in his face that he tried so desperately to hide. I shook my head and swallowed the lump in my throat. "I'm not ready to give you up."

Looking up at him, I stepped closer and placed my hand on his bare chest above his heart. "Until it stops beating, I'm yours. And even then....I don't want anyone else Quinn. I want...I want you." My last words were barely more than a whisper.

"Until it stops beating, I'm yours. And even then....I don't want anyone else Quinn. I want...I want you."

Quinn heard her words and was surprised at the memory they called up. He mirrored Salome's expression and words as he spoke...

"Some of us are not really made for immortality..."

He fought back the tears, blanking out his emotions. He had to put on a good face to make this work. She needed strength he did not have right now. He would give it to her, even if it killed him.

There was something wrong, something he wasn't saying. I softly touched his cheek and stood on my tip toes to place a kiss on his lips, leaving it up to him on what happened next. I had to get past these demons and holding what happened with Kiara against him was only causing him pain. She was wrong, she had to be.

He felt her kiss like a firebrand, igniting the gunpowder in his mind...the V heightened his drives, but took a toll on his body. He would try to give her what she wanted, even if it killed him in the process...He crushed her lips with his own, moving forcefully, pinning her to the wall as he held her hips, trying to show her the passion she was seeking. His heart was throbbing in his chest but he would give her this, no matter what the costs...he growled deeply in her ear.

I felt his forceful move as he pinned me against the wall, his hands moving down to my hips. My eyes wide with shock as he growled into my ear, eliciting my fangs to drop with force as my nails dug into his back. My lips were against his in such need, desire kissing him back forcefully. "Quinn...I..." I was able to mutter between kisses, still not fully sure if this was right. My eyes shut tightly as I tried to push out the images of Kiara grinning liek she'd won.

"Quinn...I..."

Quinn pressed his body to hers, letting his drives take control, ignoring the pain in his chest...

"All you have to do is say 'stop', Jessica..."

His hands held her hips, then clenched firmly as his chest exploded with new levels of pain. He felt his skin flush but ignored it. He would not be weak! He looked in her eyes, focusing on the hunger within him.

I could see the pain in his eyes, something was wrong. "Stop...stop..you're...are you okay? I can see the pain Quinn." I shifted my weight and felt something pierce my foot, instantly smelling my own blood. I looked at him frantically and then down at the small piece of glass I'd missed when I last cleaned. The wound would heal soon but the blood...my blood....his drug.