More than Nothing

After our talk the previous night, Quinn had gone to shower the blood from his body from our...test? As much as I wanted to join him, I had to write my thoughts in my journal before I exploded. There were things I still had on my mind that he didn't know about. I was still unsure how to explain it, how to bring it up...and feared his reaction to it. What the future held for us I didn't know, but for now I was just concerned about now. And...the way he acted last night. He had something on his mind, something he wanted to say but couldn't. It concerned me, part from fear of what it would be and part from never seeing Quinn so...distraught over something. Maybe it was just his fear of if he could refuse my blood...

Opening my eyes, expecting to wake to an empty bed I was pleasantly surprised to see him lying there next to me, his arms encased around me. His eyes were closed, I wasn't sure if he was still asleep or not. But I just laid there...silent, enjoying the feeling of being in his arms.

John felt her awaken, his arms around her protectively. He wanted to talk to her more, but how to begin...

He kissed behind her ear and whispered...

"Good evening, Jessica..."

I smiled and turned my body completely to face him as his arm draped across my hip. I touched his face and looked into his eyes. "Good Evening...Sleep well?" I thanks the Gods silently for a dreamless sleep. The last dream I had was pleasant, but also awoke the fears I thought I pushed down. I didn't know how to take it either. I didn't even begin to know how to explain it.

"Good Evening...Sleep well?"

"I always sleep well with you by my side..."

He smiled and looked in her eyes as she turned to face him.

"Do you work tonight?"

"No, first weekend off. You know since I worked the holiday and all. Very worth it." I giggled and ran my finger slowly across the tattoo on his chest, One of my favorite things to do.

"No, first weekend off. You know since I worked the holiday and all. Very worth it."

Her touch was like a cold flame across his skin, sending shudders of pleasure through him...

He smiled, glad that they had all weekend to get things going. Maybe there would be enough time...

"so...anything you were wanting to do this weekend? Maybe a run to Shreveport?"

I returned his smile and bit my bottom lip in thought. Honestly, I didn't want to leave this spot...ever...but that was a selfish answer. It had been so long since I had him all to myself, I missed every part of him. "Anything is fine with me, as long as I'm with you." I chuckled and shook my head. "God, that sounded horrible didn't it?" I made a face and groaned, covering my eyes.

"Anything is fine with me, as long as I'm with you. God, that sounded horrible didn't it?"

He chuckled..

"just a little...but not badly..."

He thought for a minute...

"Maybe we should just play human for the weekend...watch movies, cuddle in front of the fireplace, and ignore the world...what do you think?"

I smiled and playfully hit him with a pillow, laughing before sitting up and watching as he thought. "Maybe we should just play human for the weekend...watch movies, cuddle in front of the fireplace, and ignore the world...what do you think?" His words, they brought back the image of my human self kissing him as the sun set. I pinched my lips together and closed my eyes, forcing a smile. "Yeah...yeah that uh...sounds great." I opened my eyes and smiled, raising my shoulders in a small laugh, telling myself I was okay and to not think about it, push it away push it away.

He saw the moods flash through her eyes, and his smile faded...

"What is wrong, Jessica...I know you are holding back..."

He kissed her softly...

"You can trust me..."

I shook my head as I tried to chose my words, His soft kiss breaking my concentration. He could sense something was not right, same as I could sense something not right about him. I stood from the bed and secured my robe around me, folding my arms across my chest. "Yeah, I could say the same to you..." That came out sounding more angry than I wanted it to, but I couldn't take it back now that I had said it. My eyes fell to the floor as I stood there, silent.

She snapped "Yeah, I could say the same to you..."

He looked into her eyes...and turned, feeling the sting of her words..

He stood and walked to the window, looking out into the night...thinking...

I regretted my words the minute I could see how bad it hurt him. Way to go Jessica. I promised myself I wouldn't push him to talk about what was bothering him and there I go and do the opposite. He walked to the window and looked out into the night. I sighed. "Quinn...I...." What was I supposed to say? I slowly made my way across the room to him and touched his shoulder gently, praying he wouldn't flinch away from me.

He felt her touch his shoulder as she spoke...
"Quinn...I...."

He looked out the window as he spoke...

"Why won't you let me in, Jessica. I love you. You know that. Why won't you trust me?"

"Why won't you let me in, Jessica. I love you. You know that. Why won't you trust me?"

I placed my forehead on the middle of his back as my hands laid flat on his shoulders. "I do trust you and I love you...that hasn't changed." I looked up and ducked down under his arm to stand in front of him, in between him and the window. "But I know something is bothering you as well, something you won't say. I....feel it."

"I do trust you and I love you...that hasn't changed. But I know something is bothering you as well, something you won't say. I....feel it."

He sighed, watching the clouds crawl across the night sky...

"I have been trying to, Jessica...but it is not easy...especially when I can sense you are holding back...."

I cupped his face in my hands and made him look into my eyes. "I don't want to...hold back. I just...I don't know how to say it, I don't know what to make of it really. We are both holding back." I licked my lips as I released his face and dropped my hands. We were both hiding something from the other, with no way to explain it...well wasn't that just wonderful.

"I don't want to...hold back. I just...I don't know how to say it, I don't know what to make of it really. We are both holding back."

He looked into her eyes, with a smile..

"Conversation can sometimes be dealt with like fighting. Bluntness is effective at times..."

I smiled and nodded in agreement with his words. "Okay then, If I win...you tell me what's bothering you. If you win, I'll tell you what I'm thinking. Deal?" I said playfully, hoping to make him happy again. I didn't mean for my words to be so cold earlier, they just blurted out. I still had to work on that. I raised both my brows as I waited for his answer.

He heard her offer, chuckling despite himself...

"You wish to do me harm? feel free..."

He stepped back, opening his arms and closing his eyes...

"I will not stop you. My life is yours..."

His words stung, and I realized this was not going anywhere good. I watched in astonishment as he stepped back and opened his arms, waiting for me to attack him. I could not believe he was doing this. "That's not what I meant....and you know it." I narrowed my eyes to him, feeling slightly angry with him. I never felt...angry towards him before. But I was mad that he was being so stubborn. I contemplated my next move, my first instinct was to leave...but that's what I always did when things got tough. This time...I'd stick it out, because this time was different. This time...it was him, and I couldn't just lose him because of my own fear.

"That's not what I meant....and you know it."

"..and yet you find it fine to twist my words into a challenge?"

He took her by the arms, looking into her eyes.

"Jessica...I will tell you what distracts me. I just need time to get my head around it first. I ask you what you hold back, and you avoid the question..."

"..and yet you find it fine to twist my words into a challenge?"

My mouth fell open slightly as shock flowed through me. What was happening to us? This was not us, this was not...right. He took me by the arms and I creased my forehead at his aggressiveness. I pulled my arms from him and stepped back, fixing the robe that had slipped slightly on my shoulder.

"You think it's easy to admit my fears to you, what I'm struggling with. What haunts me? You think it's easy to admit I'm NOT good enough for you. You think it's easy for me to know I'll never give you what you deserve!"

My voice broke as I covered my mouth, tears threatening to fall as it all came out. I turned away from him as I tried to compose myself, not wanting to cry in front of him, showing the weakness I felt inside. I had to be strong because...I just had to. Closing my eyes as I fought to keep it under control.

"You think it's easy to admit my fears to you, what I'm struggling with. What haunts me? You think it's easy to admit I'm NOT good enough for you. You think it's easy for me to know I'll never give you what you deserve!"

Hearing her words, he stepped forward, locking his arms around her, speaking in her ear..

"What are you talking about? Not good enough? What I deserve? Jessica...you are all I seek, and more than I deserve."

He felt her struggling, but held her fast, betting on the fact that she had not yet fed to hold her strength back...

"Jessica...if either of us is getting the short end of things, it is you. I am mortal, and while I am not going to die like a human, I will will die long before you..."

He could feel tears welling up in his eyes, but did not care..

"Do you think it is easy for me to see you wake every night and know that one night you will awaken and I will not?"

I felt his arms wrap around me, I tried to fight against him but was still weakened by my day sleep not having fed yet. I surrendered as he spoke into my ear. I listened to his words as the tears ran down my face, my eyes shutting tightly when he said....those words. Almost exactly what I feared he'd say. The truth, the cold hard truth about a relationship with us. About our future or lack thereof. My heart shattered at the realization that he was right to be concerned but wrong to think that it was I who was getting the short end.

"Do you think it is easy for me to see you wake every night and know that one night you will awaken and I will not?"

I turned around in his arms to face him, seeing the tears in his eyes. There was a lump the size of Texas in my throat. I couldn't really speak, knowing if I did I'd shatter to pieces. "Don't...don't please don't." I shook my head like it would solve the problem. Wrapping my arms around his chest as I burrowed my face in his shirt. Feeling myself break, unable to tell him what I couldn't give him. It would only add to the pain....for both of us.