Reflection

Reflections don't lie, and if you look deep enough you see what's really hidden; what you try to hide...sometimes even what you won't believe. You reflect on things in your past wondering how you made it through, why you chose that path and made the decisions you made. All in all it's a part of the journey called "Life." No one said it'd be easy, or that you'd like every moment of it. I'm learning that the hard way, but it is all about the destination. Where that road takes you, you never know. My memory and love for Hoyt will always go unchanged, he was my first love and you can't change that. He helped me to realize things I hadn't before. Because of him I admitted to myself that I'm no longer just a human girl. From the night I gave Jason my blood....I knew things had changed.

♫♪Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?♫♪

I'd known for a while the consequence of giving a human your blood. I couldn't just let Hoyt's best friend die right there on the road. Truth is, things between Hoyt and I had been rocky way before Jason and I had any kind of connection. I'd been questioning who I was for a while, trying to find myself. A strained relationship made a challenge trying to focus on keeping yourself together when you didn't know how. Because of all this I was thrown into Jason's arms...and bed. It was 80 percent due to my blood and part of me knew that. But I couldn't accept it, not fully. I wanted to be loved, for who and what I was. For things I couldn't change. Jason accepted it....until the day he sort of didn't.

♪♫I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am♫♪

I'm not sure Jason fully understood what me being a vampire meant. Our relationship was hard to decipher most days...whether it was casual friends with benefits or a one on one monogamous relationship. It was like a yo-yo effect. He saved my life, I give him that. But then I saved him again. The taking turns saving one another's lives was sweet, but the constantly giving him my blood...took it's toll. It was hard to tell what we were really feeling and what was the blood.

♪♫Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?♪♫

When I looked into the mirror, I didn't know who I was anymore. My purpose or my reason for life. Cursed was the only thing I could think of. Being immortal I'd have this constant loops of the same old thing. Maybe it was just because the two men I loved were human and relationships with Vampires just don't work. Jason made it clear he hated vampires and that spelled out o-v-e-r. The hurt was unbearable. I wasn't good enough for anyone, never would I be. When I looked at my reflection all I saw was confusion...and hurt. All love ever did was break and burn and end. I was doomed for all eternity, constantly wondering where I belonged, who I was (What I was?) Being a vampire didn't come with a handbook. Bill was so busy with his own thing, it was hard to know much of anything.

♪♫There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?♫♪

....until he walked back into my life. I'd met him through Kiara Griffen, only due to Bill's insane acting out because of Religion. Jonathan "John" Quinn. I'd never met a were-tiger and from what I hear, they're rare. Instantly I was attracted to him, who wouldn't be? With Jason and I going through such rough times, I didn't know where to turn. Sex usually filled that void, but only for a little while. Nothing happened between us, although the sexual tension was high...especially when he massaged me. After that I heard he left town for a while for personal reasons, but when he came back he got back with his ex Kiara. I was happy for both of them, Jason and I still trying to work through things but failing. It wasn't until the fall when he came back into Merlotte's did I feel all those feelings again, like a rushing wave giving me all sorts of feelings, thoughts, questions...what WAS the connection between us? Sexual? Or...something deeper.



It was a simple look, a simple conversation...that turned into something greater than either one of us could think possible. Since his return back into my world, things began to fall into place and make sense for the first time. He was really the only man to accept me for me...and mean it. Before anything physical happened...before having my blood....before I knew I loved him. He taught me how to reach into the deepest parts of myself, the good...and the bad. I'm not a one dimensional person, and he helped me to reveal all sides of myself. Some I never knew existed. He opened my mind...my life...my heart...my soul. Now when I look in the mirror...I see who I am. I see who I'm becoming. I see Jessica Hamby. The girl who is now becoming a woman. I see someone strong. I see someone who is loved. I see someone who is in love. I see....me. The real me.

Because of...him.

My reflection now shows who I am inside.

"We may love the wrong person, and we may cry over the wrong person. But one things for sure. Mistakes help us find the right person."